OMG!!...what am I under the new star signs(bcoz of Ophiuchus)??:O

While wars rage on in Afghanistan and Iraq, Haiti suffocates under a pile of rubble a year after a catastrophic earthquake and Australia is disappearing under part of whatever it is ocean they have in Australia, the world is freaking out. Because the star signs changed.

Yes, there are now thirteen meaningless categories upon which you can base decisions about your life such as mate compatibility, career direction and financial investments, the newest being Ophiuchus. Although pretty much no one can pronounce it, we know people born under the sign of Ophiuchus are said to be honest, intellectual, sexually magnetic, jealous and prone to change, all descriptors which totally make sense when discussing a single thirteenth of the population born between November 29th and December 17th.

But wait! There’s more! Even if you’re not an Ophiuchus, you may very well not actually be the star sign you thought you were. The entire roster of twelve signs has been re-jiggered, and many people have found themselves in the awkward position of having bought into the wrong category of vague bullshit all along! Here is the new list- is your birthday one of the affected days?

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.