Thursday, December 1, 2011

SWOT Analysis of an Engineer

SWOT Analysis of an Engineer

Strengths- Male engineers are the only species on this planet that can sleep with males from their own kind for around 4 years and still not turn homosexual. Such self-restraint usually stems from the prevalent delusion in the mind of an engineer (which, by the way, is a big empty town hall). He firmly believes that upon the completion of his engineering, he will be handed over a ‘Kingfisher model meets Arundhati Roy’ kind of bride along with his degree. Forget the former, only a few are actually able to receive the latter even. Talking of delusions, female engineers have their own set. They think they are God’s ‘beauty with brains’ prototype. However, the amount of attention received by them can be attributed to the old adage that beggars (read male engineers) cannot be choosers. But such delusions are what keep the economy going. No delusion means no engineering. No engineering means no engineers. No engineers mean no investment bankers, no authors, no social workers, no ad makers, no janitors etc. Get the point?
Engineers seem to have mastered the art of survival. Food- good, bad, ugly, none- engineers just don’t care! You can run an engineer on a 2Mbps internet connection for days without a break. Engineers don’t even take pee-breaks. That is because the only time an engineer pees (in his pants) is when the semester results are out, which is once every 4 months. A very modest frequency, if you ask me. Engineers love night-outs- Sleep is for mortals, not engineers. An engineer uses lesser water in a year than a normal human being does in a day. (However, the statistics for consumption of deodorant are reversed.) If you have a pack of cigarettes, you can easily employ 20 engineers for a day. But please mind the fact that their efficiency is inversely proportional to the number of days left to the deadline. Engineers can share everything from books to boxers. They are adept at adapting to unadoptable situations. Rajnikant was an engineer before he became Rajnikant.
Weaknesses- Contrary to popular belief, mathematics, and not girls is an engineer’s Kryptonite. Engineers stopped understanding math after standard 5. Since then, they have been only pretending to understand it. If you are wondering how come then, do engineers pass in engineering entrance exams? There’s a plain and simple logic to that. The entire gig is being run by engineers. They make sure that only the worst get through. Students with the potential to suck at math are selected and made to suck at it for another 4 years. At an engineering college, the only guys who really know math are the mess workers, the laundry man, the newspaper guy and the hostel guards. If your son can calculate 2+2 in under a minute without rushing to grab a calculator, then I’m sorry but I don’t think he’ll make it through JEE!
Girls finish a close second on the list (totally overrated) followed by TV series breathing down their neck at the third spot. Engineering students have been known to suffer from epileptic fits and seizures if they are unable to find the torrents for the latest episodes of American sitcoms. The only backlog an engineer actually dreads is a backlog in sitcoms. Again, an engineer’s method of watching sitcoms is entirely opposite to the conventional ‘one episode-per week-for several years’ approach that lesser mortals follow. The engineer adopts the ‘million episodes-from several years-in one week’ strategy to devour TV series like a black hole devours matter.
This addiction is a direct result of the enormous free time at the disposal of an engineer coupled with a belief that the central character of Sitcom X will one day transfer his traits to his devotee if he stuck with him for long enough (around 10 seasons). That explains why Barney and Dexter are so popular among engineers. After all, sense of humour and crisp looks definitely help in getting laid.
Opportunities- Numerous. No aspect of human life has been left untouched by engineers. From call centers to ‘One night @ call center’, from Deutche Bank to Dominoes, from Avatar to Avantador, from technicians to terrorists, you will find engineers all around you. The boogeyman under your kid’s bed-he’s a computer engineer who failed to make it to TCS. Engineers diversify and multiply faster than any bacteria or virus known to man.
Threats- Rajnikant, actual bankers, actual authors…basically every generic worker from a particular line of work. And Justin Bieber. And Lady Gaga.

Courtesy: The Pyjama Warriors-Battling stupidity with sarcasm.